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Dr. Ali Binazir wrote the Tao of Dating for one particular group of people, the intelligent. As a student at Harvard, and later as an advisor, Binazir lived and observed a phenomenon present among those considered smart. It was extremely difficult for them to start and keep a relationship.

He calls the problem dating woes and goes on to state that they tend to continue on after college. (Huffington Post)

There are many reasons why intelligent people have a harder time finding and keeping love.
Here are 4 of them!

1. Achievements over Relationships

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Children who are considered smart, and end up going to Ivy League Universities, are achievement focused, not relationship focused. This is due to the fact that their parents may desire achievements. Smart kids are supposed to get straight Aā€™s, find time to practice the piano, take up another instrument, and excel at science or math based after school clubs. (These were my parents. I chose drama, and they werenā€™t too happy.)

Growing up achievement focused gives a child little time to learn how to develop friendships, the first step to finding romantic love.

2. False Belief: Achievements Equal Love

Unfortunately, smart people learn that achievements equal love and admiration from peers and parents. They believe this will transfer into dating.

For most of their lives, smart people inhabit a seemingly-meritocratic universe: If they work hard, they get good results… Good results mean kudos, strokes, positive reinforcement, respect from peers, love from parents. So it only makes sense that in the romantic arena, it should work the same way. Right? The more stuff I do, the more accomplishments and awards I have, the more girls (or boys) will like me. Right? (Huffington Post)

This is wrong, and it takes a person a long time to realize this.

3. Intimidation Factor

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I am reasonably intelligent. I would not call myself a genius, but I am brighter than most. My husband is also intelligent, but when I come back with a decent argument to something he has to say, I automatically get figurative hackles. That is because intelligent people are intimidating to everyone. It is not just that smart people are intimidating to dumb-dumbs, but to other intelligent people as well. (Higher Perspectives)

4. Safety First

There is one thing all intelligent people do, and that is think. They think about the present and future problems. They analyze everything and all this analyzing and thinking leads to real relationship problems.

It is hard to enjoy time with a person if one is thinking about all that can go wrong in the future. What if my date is not a perfect match? What if we get a dog and break up? Who will get the dog? What if my date is really a closet serial killer? He is coming off a little narcissistic.

Donā€™t laugh! These questions are thought about often!

There are many more reasons why intelligent people have a hard time finding love.

What are your intelligence based love problems?

Share in the comments!

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18 Responses

  1. Silky Wiley

    How about boredom with thick headed people, a lack of intellectual stimulation, the sometimes robotic predictable behavior and acting out of average people, the same old same old. The mundane interests of average intellects, the inability to learn without painful often repetitive behavior. It is hard to suffer fools lightly, better to get a cat or dog, humans are rarely worth all the angst and self inflicted disorder and endless disasters (theirs). Yes, I know how this sounds.

  2. Valdoria

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  3. Carlen

    These are not real intelligence based dating problems. These are issues of learning about oneself and how to be present in a relationship. Anyone reading this get to go “Hey that’s my issue. I’m too intelligent.” But this isn’t real.

    4 Real Problems

    The burden of foresight:

    Having to walk away from someone you love because you know it’s ultimately better for both of you. When you know yourself and your boundaries. When you know what is healthy for you, intelligent people are often pushed to leave wonderful people on diverging, or sometimes destructive, paths.

    The student vs the teacher:

    People don’t leave someone because of how smart they are, they leave them because they think that are always right, or they belittle them (I’ve heard there are exceptions to this, but good residence really.) Everyone wants to be the teacher and the student at times and therefor curiosity is very important for both partners.

    Just because you are smart doesn’t mean you need to be the teacher all the time. We should be fascinated by our partners and yearning to learn. Some people have school so drilled into them they think a low vocabulary means someone has nothing to say. There are many other inappropriate assumptions about intelligence beyond vocabulary as well… Not all knowledge is academic, or political in nature.

    Needing validation:

    This isn’t a bad thing, but shows up in unhealthy ways. As intelligent people they look to others to confirm or deny their ideas. This helps them grow. They expect the same of other people. But some are not so quick to try to shatter their own beliefs.

    Accept to disagree and care more about whether your partners feels loved than if they know if they are right or not. Sometimes people need to learn things the hard way, or may not be ready to let go of their assumptions just yet. Intelligent people who are brutal with their own thoughts (the type of person who loved to see a professor return a paper full of corrections) need to learn to be patient and loving towards others learning process.

    Finally Emotions:

    Intelligence and emotional intelligence are not connected. No matter what your IQ is sometimes it better to just hold someone and say nothing. We speak in so many ways beyond games of logic. Don’t fall into the trap of forgetting that you are a sensual, empathic, joyful, loving spirit who in many cases can do more to connect with someone by not relying on words.

    • Sydney James

      I really like how you broke it down. I think the article has some valid points (I am an overachiever and have a hard time just being in the moment), but I agree with you that it is about self-love and personal growth and development. Once we are in tuned with our own selves, we won’t find it necessary to “perform” for others.

      Thanks for adding on. I took away a lot.

      • Carlen

        Thank you for your very kind response. Yes, I believe much of relationships comes to where we focus our intelligence. If you focus your energy on your career, don’t expect your love life to magically flourish (I’ve met many unhappy millionaires who don’t get why they can’t have fulfilling relationships). We can; however, learn how to love. I have always been inspired by an idea from Erich Fromm: Love is an art. Like any other art we can learn how to more fully love and be present for others and ourselves. We need to put in the time, energy, and devotion that every art deserves.

    • Jacob Cannon

      I actually experienced the emotion crisis recently.

      Had a very turbulent event happen and became truly unstable emotionally. I gave my car keys to a friend and walked up to another friend and just put my head on their shoulder and cried. They had to take me to my school’s counseling center, but they just stood next to me in the waiting area and kept putting their hand on my shoulder as I tried to hold it together.

    • Gypsy Traveler

      I eventually lose patience in any relationship because I expect people to have a reasonable level of common sense, so when they frequently prove otherwise, I lose respect and confidence in them. I also seem to attract men who think they are players and/or cons. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who will persist in attempts to deceive me even after I boldly tell them that I’m onto their game. Sometimes I get mad enough to say something to the effect of ” YOUR SO STUPID, YOU THINK EVERYONE ELSE IS MORE STUPID THAN YOU !!” There are so many complex variables, it’s difficult for anyone to establish a good relationship regardless of competence.

      ALTHOUGH, There was one man that I was so crazy for that I continued with him even though I knew I was a total fool and he had no intention of being good for me. It was a 6 year virtually one sided (something) that consisted of a lot of sweet talk, promises, and lust, but not much proof of love on his behalf. When we were apart I felt oxygen deprived & when we were together I felt I may die of bliss. He was a brilliant, handsome man, a user, a player, a criminal, but the chemistry we had was total addiction. I loved every minute he pretended to love me, even when I knew he was pretending. I ignored all of his lies and flaws. One night we got drunk together and I told him that I wasn’t the fool he assumed me to be, I knew much of what he had been telling me for all these years were lies, and a lot of the Illegal or dishonest things he had done, But I just didn’t care because I’d rather be considered a fool than be without him. Our relationship became a real rollercoaster after that. I suppose I took all the fun out of it for us both. He enjoyed thinking he was “getting over on me” and I enjoyed hoping that his love might at least at times be as real as mine was for him. I sacrificed a lot for this one, much more than my pride & dignity. Finally I had to end it because it was literally making me mentally and physically ill. For a long time I thought I might actually die of heartbreak. He was my last. I’ve met a lot of different types in my life, but never felt what I did for him.
      What makes people repeatedly go through such pain knowing that love in today’s world is MAYBE once in a lifetime and even then most likely to be very short lived?

  4. Dayna Silvey

    In my experience no one knows what love really is completely. I know a couple who has been married for over 55 years and are miserable. They stay together because of fear of being alone. I am married as well and I find it to be necessary for basic survival. Being on your own in the world is risky on so many levels.

    • Gypsy Traveler

      It’s only fear of the unknown, or feeling uncertain of one’s own abilities. I tried marriage and living together, but I’m so stubborn I’d rather die than be treated the way i was being treated in these relationships. I’ve been single 17 years and raised my 2 girls alone, and assisted with my brothers children at times. Life has not been easy, but I still feel I am healthier emotionally without a partner. A good one is harder than ever to find & I am no longer up for the hunt. ;)

      • Dayna Silvey

        I wish I had that spirit. Between the physical limitations from an ijury with family conflicts I am a shell of my former self. I have learned to be content with less to the point of being physically alive but spiritually dead.

    • Gypsy Traveler

      The one time I know I was IN LOVE, my emotions were just crazy. I never felt such a depth of tenderness and intense sense of unity. There were a lot of other feeling too & some conflicted.
      It was what I imagine drug addiction might feel like. In his presence I felt total bliss. In his absence I felt oxygen deprived. He continued to tell me he loved me and make promises which he never fulfilled for 6 years.

  5. Jacob Cannon

    Y’know, I know I’m intelligent only because everyone at my university keeps saying that to me. I work insanely hard so in all honesty I’d have to agree with some of these items with partial hesitancy. Firstly, the whole thing of intimidation is true to an extent, but it is a two-way street. I’m scared of the entirety of my school because they out-number me in groups and cliques 20 to 1. I try my best to keep my head down and say nothing but that tends to bring about even more pain later down the road. The terminology of “bottling up” comes to my mind when I contemplate on that.
    Another item I have a discrepancy about is the achievements piece. I’ve truly realized that my achievements mean nothing for a relationship, because those tend to scare away anyone I thought I could have a connection with but I’m still figuring out why on the scare portion. I keep trying to give help to everyone but it looks as if I’m just spinning my wheels as it’s put by most people.
    I’ve always thought that if I give as much as I can to everyone that they’d return the favor sooner or later, but that seems to be more akin to spreading too little butter on too much toast.
    The biggest problem I’ve found is that after speculating so much, it seems nearly impossible to revert back to the regular rhythm of everyone around me. I know too many long words, and I’ve had others tell me I cheated at Words with Friends and go to the extent of getting on my laptop when I went to the restroom and they used the auto-fill feature in Google to assume I’d searched for cheats when I never have. I believe I was trying to use the word epitaph and I found another word that lined up on three triple word spots totaling for over 150 point in one go.
    It might just be me, but being this smart isn’t something I enjoy and so I reverted to loving myself in weird and obscure ways to be able to get a grip of the tremendous emotions I keep having.
    Thanks for the article though! I truly enjoyed the points brought up, they helped shed some light on my situation.

  6. Dr Rohen Kapur

    Its true, Ive sabotaged many a budding relationship with over analysis. I know that down the line they will drive me over the wall and therefore I break it off before it gets serious. What do you do?

  7. naadirasahra

    Most people want a relationship with someone who understands them. The more intelligent you are, the less likely you are to find people who are intelligent enough to understand you. Narrowing the possibilities even more, most of us want people with similar types of intelligence, interests and ethics. The more specified your ideal mate is, the harder they are to find.

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